


Beauty

by InsomniaMagic



Series: BokuAka Week 2018 [4]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: 1st person, BokuAka Week, Bokuaka - Freeform, Bokuto and Akaashi POV interchanging, Day 4, M/M, Pain, Rhymes, Support, figuring self worth, pirates/mermaids, the stories bokuto tells are their to help, tw: eating disorders, working through the problems
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-06
Updated: 2018-06-06
Packaged: 2019-05-18 23:10:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,537
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14862080
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/InsomniaMagic/pseuds/InsomniaMagic
Summary: BokuAka Week 2018Day 4: Pirates/MermaidsI lay down by your side, listening to your words.You take my mind off the agony, by reading me the stories you wrote.“And the pirate stole its tail, hoping the merman would find him and they would fall in love again.”





	Beauty

**Author's Note:**

> I hope the trigger warning doesn´t stop you from reading, I tried to be respectful, but everyone´s experience is so different, it´s very hard. I weaved the story around Bokuto´s love for tales. I know my writings for this BokuAka week are not lighthearted, sorry about that. There is something majestic within their relationship making me want to write from the other side. There are also many great stories for them, I feel like I would contribute nothing, that´s why I chose more melancholy writing for my boys. They may go through hardships, but they always find happiness, love and support within each other.

Akaashi POV (normal) /  _Bokuto POV (italics)_

 

 

My mind deceives me, I am at it one more time and not the last one.

How can I fight it? I don´t remember it starting.

One day it wasn´t, the other day, it attacked, clawed into my skin and never let go.

I am surrounded by wrappers and utensils and empty plates.

My stomach hurts, my throat is going to burst, I can hardly move,

I am stuck.

I put another piece into my body.

One by one, not caring about what it is anymore.

I will not purge, I will not hunger myself when the next day comes.

I will suffer in ache, unobtrusively, not telling anyone,

Me and the food and the hurt I need to get rid of but I can´t.

I wish to feel something else, so I stuff my face until the discomfort takes me.

It swallows me whole. It takes me and doesn´t let go.

I don´t wanna. I get up, refuse to let it take hold of me.

It will get better. I will fight it.

When the next urge comes, I will stand tall.

 

 

In the next three days, I fall.

I see my reflection in the mirror, everything I hate and despise.

How can a person love and hate at the same time?

On the outside I am stoic, the treasure box sealed shut with many locks without keys.

On the inside I am crying for help, a weeping willow leaning to the ground on its knees.

 

 

I am not beautiful, I am merely a shell.

I am not as pretty as all of you say, I am on the road to hell.

 

 

And when it ends, I tell myself off.

My soul is made of self-hatred and blame, I can´t forgive myself,

My guilt is making me astray. It silently gets into my bones with shushing my self-conscience and waking up my flaws.

I am weak and desperate, I don´t know any better, I don´t deserve to get restored.

Later, you come to me in the middle of the bright sunny day.

 

 

_You are strong and determined to get through it, you don´t need to know any better yet._

_Lean on me, I´ll hold you up until you don´t need my help anymore._

_I will lead you to understand your own worth._

 

 

I lay down by your side, listening to your words.

You take my mind off the agony, by reading me the stories you wrote.

 

 

_“And the pirate stole its tail, hoping the merman would find him and they would fall in love again.”_

 

_I know how much you suffer, your stares say as much._

_It has taken me too long to gather the understanding,_

_you gave yourself to us, we forgot your heart also needs to be touched._

_I am here now, the pirate trying to steal your pain,_

_You will be a merman, bathing in everything I give to you, the weird couple with no shame._

 

_I can see you fall down again and again._

_Sometimes I make it in time, sometimes I am too late._

_“Let´s play pirates,” I offer to focus your thoughts on the game,_

_“Let´s look for some mermaids,” I say to take you away from all of the returning pain._

 

 

After many hard days, you learned to come to me as a pray,

“Bokuto-san, help me, they are getting to me, I don´t want to play.”

As I take you into my arms, you add, “I don´t want to be a nuisance, my worthlessness can´t stand in your way.”

“You are beautiful to me, it doesn´t matter what they say, you are my everything, I will take you up forever if it means you´ll stay.”

 

 

I wish I could steal as a pirate, to steal away what is making you suffer,

I wish you could become a mermaid to conquer the seas, to swim through life forever free.

When I tell you so thunderous, your eyes widen,

you turn away, you tear up louder.

“How come you see me like this, gorgeous and pretty,

when I feel so empty, terrible and shitty.”

 

 

Bokuto stops in his tracks, surprised by the questions,

He doesn´t hesitate, immediately, he provides answers.

 

_What is beauty?_

_Is it the colour or shape of your eyes?_

_Is it the spark brewing in them?_

_Can it be the universe winning the smile of yours?_

_Is beauty captured by your soul?_

_Is she hiding in the pieces of you?_

_Is he showing off through the words you say?_

_Do I have to assemble it?_

_Is beauty a peace residing within you?_

 

_I asked this question you failed to answer._

_I might be blind, but let me tell you._

_The beauty is whatever you make it be,_

_Your help, the devotion, your words and actions,_

_The man you strive to be._

 

_And so I read to you until you fall asleep,_

_The pirate and merman got their happy ending._

_You will get it too, I whisper into your resting ear,_

_Even if it means I have to spend my life protecting you,_

_I will do it for every year._

 

 

You help me through stories, you help me through role plays,

I still don´t feel handsome, I am no one compared to your presence.

You suddenly snap, grabbing my fragile arms,

Put me in front of a mirror, naked, touching me as no one ever does.

 

 

_“Your eyes shine with colours of patience,_

_Your lips speak with sharp tone and voice of kindness._

_Your face never leaves any traces of sadness,_

_This forehead of yours keeps every slice of your smartness._

 

 

_You may see only bony arms or chubby cheeks,_

_I see arms so strong, they lift me up in my dire needs,_

_I remember those cheeks smiling with ease,_

_When we won, when we lost, every time to raise up our feels._

 

_You say your tummy is no good, your old scars mark your skin bruised,_

_All I see is a place of warmth where all of us rested our heads at least once,_

_And me, I did so almost every day after practice was so hard._

_You calmed us down, you brushed my hair,_

_You dried my scalp, you´ve always taken good care,_

_You pecked my cheek, your skin kissed away my bad days._

 

 

_Those legs of yours, you shame to not be enough to hold our team together,_

_The muscles you name undeserving are enough to shield us all,_

_And your long fingers you see as a witches´ claws, squeezed our backs when we needed the support._

_Now it´s our turn, it´s why I´m here, I will hold you in one piece,_

_Until you´ll be strong enough to fight your demons with me or alone,_

_I am here to give you anything you need._

 

 

_Please, look again at yourself in the mirror,_

_See what resides there truly,_

_If you forget to and see only horror,_

_Call my name, I will answer you fully._

 

_I will be the pirate, I will steal and heal it,_

_You won´t swim in the ocean of desperation anymore,_

_I will seal it, throw myself into the water to shield you from it._

 

 

With every waking morning, I hear those stories,

In time we know them by our heart,

They help to distance my worries.

Once in a lifetime, I hear the calling.

 

 

There is a deep hell all around me as it repeats,

The darkness is falling,

There is a talon inside me,

Gnawing on my fears and hopelessness, like it´s all-knowing.

The insecurities remain there, hidden and lying,

So take me, fight me, I am blind,

I am prepared to face you forward,

It´s not solely myself, there are two of us howling.

 

 

Because now I see,

I know my worth,

Sometimes I waver,

But I believe, steadfast as I fall.

 

 

You show me your hand, the tattoo of a pirate,

I show you my shoulder, the tattoo of a mermaid.

You smile at me, the sunshine impersonated,

I smile at you, the nothingness subdued, no more overpowering darkness.

 

 

In the end, your fairy tale came to life,

you are a pirate who stole my heart,

I am a mermaid of the hurtful sea, which won´t keep us apart,

Unconditionally, if in unison, we may swim so far,

The hurt and loneliness won´t stop us now.

(it won´t stop anyone ever from reaching their fully realized life).

 

 

When I am all alone, I look at the merman,

I think of you relentless,

Then I understand, then I realize,

I finally know, I forever keep it in mind.

You are stunning, you are a piece of me,

I will love you forever, whatever our love may mean.

 

 

I am beautiful, even without you.

We are beautiful, I have to remember,

I can do it alone, sometimes with sadness too.

I can do it all by myself, with the thought of you I´ll follow through.

 

 

Thank you, my pirate, thank you Bokuto-san.

You are welcome, my mermaid, it is my pleasure, Akaashi, love.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for your time, I think I said everything I needed to say... If this helps someone a little, if you struggle and this might show you your own worth, or it just might help you to see you are not alone, I will be very happy. And if you need any help or just en ear to listen to anything you´d like to say, I am here.
> 
> I don´t want anyone ever to be or feel alone.
> 
> Take care :*
> 
> tumblr: insomniamagic


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